101 Reasons Why Picard Was Better Than Kirk
1. Kirk was a leader of followers. That's the only reason
he (almost) got away with it.
2. Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
3. Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new
worlds, not discarded movie sets from period 1950's dramas.
4. Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely
remember 1 or 2 lines.
5. Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
6. Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously
morphed into a little girl.
7. Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
8. Picard has so much back-bone Starfleet designers had to cut
out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
9. Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better
grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
10. Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he
stole a starship, he'd get vaporized, not given captaincy of
a new one like in the easy old days.
11. Picard commands his ship using the big head.
12. Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
13. Three words: seven whole seasons.
14. Picard never uses Grecian 2000.
15. Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive"
- a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what a
complete shambles resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien
16. The only way Picard would allow tribbles on his ship would
be as hors d'oeuvres.
17. Picard never met Joan Collins.
18. Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
19. Picard participates in the odd archaeological dig. Kirk would
make a suitable subject for one.
20. One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety
of your daughter?
21. Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to
his waist and wrestle with some guy in a rubber lizard suit.
He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
22. Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a
23. Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
24. Picard doesn't need hair - real or not.
25. Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a
bunch of women in go-go boots and have the most intelligent person
aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super
26. One word: SQUISHED (what would happen to Kirk and his ship
had he met the Borg and tried to deal with them in the same manner
as he deals with most other things).
27. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
population. Just goes to show how questionable his sexual practices
28. If their situations were reversed, Kirk would probably nail
Lwaxana Troi. Picard has standards.
29. Kirk can just about drive a stick-shift. Picard sells Pontiacs
during the commercial break.
30. Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
31. Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate
himself in the engine room.
32. While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship,
this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively
limited to "That's illogical Captain," "It's
worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not
as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard
bow." Small wonder really.
33. Unlike Kirk's, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an
34. You'd never have to clean Picard's semen out of the holodeck
after he'd used it.
35. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium
nitrate & charcoal and used it to fire diamonds into the
hearts of his enemies. Picard is a starship captain, not MacGyver.
36. Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness
to attract a guard's attention once.
37. Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has
to tell them what to do.
38. Picard would never wear eye makeup. Ever.
39. Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not
a Fisher Price spin-n-whizz baby toy.
40. Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
41. Picard and his crew can solve a week's mystery in 44 minutes
flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
42. Picard never has to sign an Etch-a-Sketch attendance register
kept by Yeomans with hair like a helmet.
43. Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them
44. Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, "For
the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
45. Kirk is so boring he's caused several computers to self-destruct
merely by talking to them. 46. Picard knows how to make a starship
last. Kirk has gone through 3 already; that's a trifle careless.
47. Picard's engineers never lie to him about how long it takes
to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers,
mess with Picard.
48. Okay, so Picard is French. But at least he speaks with an
49. Picard chews out Klingons. Kirk chews on Klingons.
50. Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
51. Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
52. Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through
his heart and out his chest.... and he just laughed at it!!
53. Kirk fights like Adam West.
54. Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
55. Picard never has Commies aboard his ship. Kirk has one at
56. Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to
make them work.
57. Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even
more uncomfortable than Kirk's so he'd have fewer slackers.
58. Picard's phaser fires a burst of potentially lethal energy.
It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
59. Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his (except
for the ones with green skin).
60. Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of
the crap when things get ugly.
61. When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls.
Kirk sits at a camp-fire toasting marshmallows while singing
"Row row row your boat" .
62. Picard ate Romulan soup and didn't even flinch. Much.
63. The Klingons in Kirk's day were real wusses.
64. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
65. Picard's girlfriends just look good. In any light.
66. Picard once sent an entire ship full of people through a
worm-hole to their certain doom. And just because his bartender
suggested it might be a laugh to do so.
67. Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to
travel in time.
68. Remember the time when the Captain of the Enterprise was
a slow-moving, monosyllabic automaton with a funny name? But
enough about Kirk, wasn't Picard terrific as a Borg?
69. Kirk only managed to make himself look relatively attractive
by carefully selecting his crew; contrast is everything.
70. Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did
something really cool like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating
from a warp core explosion.
71. Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
72. Two words: Command presence.
73. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he'd probably try to mate with
74. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood
Forest. Kirk has no sense of humour.
75. Kirk's First Officer played some form of Vulcan harp, an
instrument that makes the trombone look like just about the most
macho thing this side of Kirk's wig.
76. How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been
killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the
mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk.
77. Kirk commands his ship as if he's driving a tractor across
an Iowa wheat field.
78. When Picard was 37, he was the Captain of the lowly Stargazer.
Starfleet soon learned the value of "progressive experience"
having witnessed the disastrous consequences of letting someone
take charge of a real ship when their previous vehicular experience
extended only as far as driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat
79. If Kirk had a doctor like Beverly Crusher, Starfleet would
have to relocate the command chair in sick-bay.
80. Picard has more than one token black on his crew.
81. Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
82. Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
83. Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's
84. Picard would never have said "He's had too much LDS".
85. Picard never has to say stupid things like, "I...am
a Gr'up!" in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
86. Picard was actually in his own show's pilot episode.
87. Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a
88. Picard won't spend his retirement writing science fiction
books or making cameo appearances in Zemeckis & Zemeckis
89. Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police
90. Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what
her job is.
91. Picard doesn't have to operate his turbo lifts using hand
92. Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with
Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound .
93. Picard's ego wouldn't demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance
in a movie.
94. Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before
being shot at or locked up.
95. Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
96. If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned
97. Picard's First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in
98. Picard would never blow up his own ship.
99. Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is
Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.
Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you
can call me Jim." See the difference?
100. Who ever heard of the Patrick Stewart foundation?
101. One word: Intelligence.
BONUS: 101 More Reasons...
1. Two Words: better voice.
2. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for
that great low-cut neckline.
3. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over
4. Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the
same time when in battle.
5. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster,
6. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch
of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost
lost his ship and crew in the process.
7. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband
dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still
managed to make her fall for him.
8. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship
actually has a BAR.
9. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his
fighting for him.
10. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she
fell for Picard.
11. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like
12. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
13. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
14. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season;
Picard has kept Worf for seven years.
15. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member
of the Monkees.
16. Two words: better actor.
17. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
18. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon
Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.
19. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly
that's not saying much.
20. Picard's crew members sleep with one another on
a regular basis.
21. Picard's crew gambles.
22. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that
23. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of
a series of Lite-Brite boards.
24. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J.
25. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his
26. No sideburns. 'Nuff said.
27. Picard's first officer never seized control of the
ship to transport a former captain anywhere.
28. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome
back at Starfleet HQ. Kirks name is an anathema to Starfleet
HQ and alien races alike.
29. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as
a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.
30. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer
and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
31. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
32. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the
dead. Need we say more?
33. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic
mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the
Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
34. Picard has never been demoted.
35. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former
36. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he
was an Indian.
37. Picard has never encountered aliens from weird planets
38. Picard's quarters have a window.
39. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
40. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts
at the OK corral.
41. Picard is a caffeine addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
42. One word: Leadership.
43. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
44. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a
Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.
45. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first
officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler
46. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing
without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with
rocket boots to save him.
47. Picard would never stand for playing "Row Row
Row your boat" around a campfire.
48. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when
Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.
49. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
50. When Picard has an alternate reality experience,
it's worth watching and caring about.
51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
52. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't
go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.
53. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
54. If poor judgment were bricks, Kirk would be a housing
55. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up
instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.
56. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle
57. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
58. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted
59. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
60. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard
on old show.)
61. Picard has hair on his chest.
62. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged,
and scrawny look sexy & macho.
63. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard
kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.
64. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against
65. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the
house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.
66. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
67. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
68. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce;
Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son. 69. Picard
like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.
70. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
71. Picard has never been bitten by a mugatto. Nor has
he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship,
72. Picard has never aged prematurely.
73. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
74. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
75. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured,
Kirk merely screams in agony.
76. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century
only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation
77. When Picard talks, people listen.
78. If Picard were a late-night talk-show host, he'd be
Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
79. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's
80. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
81. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a
82. Picard would never have brought "Nomad"
aboard his ship.
83. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have
had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've
been allowed to review.
84. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle
of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child
with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
85. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with
86. Picard would never have dropped the charges against
87. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic
war with the Klingons.
88. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed
with history to suit his own ends.
89. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in
less time than it took Kirk.
90. Three words: Better costume variety.
91. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other
cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures
to respect him.
92. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's
93. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
94. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
95. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures
& has done so on a number of occasions.
96. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the
heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).
97. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
98. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians,
he doesn't let it show.
99. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we
all know, it's gotta be the shoes...
100. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
101. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.