Boldly Going NowhereThe Wrath of Araz
by Captain Alli Kirkham Hornet Columnist
March 02, 2005 "Community College: The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship, Sarcasm. Its two-year mission: to explore knowledge, to seek out strange new professors and bizarre students, to boldly go nowhere."Captain's Log, Stardate 2-24-05
This is Captain Kirkham of the Starship, Sarcasm. My crew and I have now been a week on the Planet Fullerton, and are now observers on the sidelines of a war between the Fullertonians and a sinister foe: Tobacco.
The planet is torn into civil war at the face of this enemy. Some students harbor loyalties to Tobacco, and accept it in their midst, while others vehemently oppose the place that it holds on the planet, and are trying to exile it to the wastes of space.
The casualties on both sides are considerable. Fullertonians who accept Tobacco as an ally are often stricken with hideous diseases and diminished lung capacity, while the bodies of Tobacco foot soldiers, the Cigarettes, litter the planet in scores, and are pressed into the mass burial grounds of ashtrays. The smoke-scarred battlefields of the campus are shoved in the faces of the students, and breed only contention on the planet.
And a new threat is now drifting darkly on the horizon. A Klingon Bird of Prey, thus far known only as the Associated Students Ship (A.S.S.), has joined the fray on the side of the Fullertonians against Tobacco.
Some have accused the notoriously devious captain, Araz, of using the typical horrific kinds of Klingon tricks to tip the scales. There have been whispers that his first nasty tool for his war on Tobacco was the use of a hideously distorted survey with questions as evilly twisted as any good Klingon captain could make them. The second weapon borne against Tobacco by the A.S.S. and her captain was low even by Klingon standards -- a major media outlet.
Yes, it has been a long and bloody battle, and is sure to carry on longer. It will be splashed with even more gore of dying students in the future, and burning Tobacco. But the loss of life on the planet Fullerton is not the most tragic part of the war for Tobacco.
The worst part is the Klingon dictatorship of the issue. Araz and his A.S.S. have brought the big guns to bear, and the minority of Fullertonions who ally themselves with Tobacco have no way of fighting off this controlling menace.
The Klingons of the A.S.S. have swooped down on a planet already divided, and caused a rift which is pitting students against each other, and will leave behind only a desolate and easily controlled planet, full of people who don't mind being told what to do and when or where to do it.
The A.S.S. fights not only against Tobacco, but against the free will of the Students of Fullerton.
The sun is setting on another day of the planet Fullerton. From space, the planet seems peaceful. What will happen, if this exile is enforced? Who will lead the planet out of darkness? Does any hope remain? One can only hope that this ban on Tobacco will boldly go nowhere.
Fullerton College’s The Hornet
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