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Author Topic: As yet unnamed - Comments Please  (Read 4240 times)
K'Voth
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« on: 10 23, 2010, 03:58: AM »

I have posted part one and two of this story and there are 4 More to post so far.

Comments are greatly appreciated.

K'Voth
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Captain K'Voth
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« Reply #1 on: 10 24, 2010, 04:54: PM »

K'Voth,  please don't take this the wrong way. My wife is a writer, and I have enormous respect for anyone who puts their ideas to paper and dares to share them with others. But your posts read more like first drafts than something you should be showing to others. There are grammar and punctuation issues in almost every sentence. We are not the group that can help you with these. I recommend you find someone who can do line-by-line editing for you, or else find a friendly writing critique board (eg. Absolute Write). As for the ideas you are presenting, I'm sorry, but I can't get past the writing problems, so I can't comment on those.
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K'Voth
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« Reply #2 on: 10 25, 2010, 12:36: AM »

Edited by author

Reading your comment I will admit to having second guessed the wording and structure of this post several times. Respect aside and thank you for drawing issues to my attention. I would however comment in return that whilst yes I do struggle with grammer and the written language (This and reconciling it with the colloquialisms of day to day speech and the dialogue that calls for nonstandard English) , I can only go with what i have been taught for 20 out of 25 years of my life, that and the English (UK) spelling and grammer check of Microsoft Word.  However if i am wrong then i am wrong, I was unaware this was not a friendly forum for this purpose, i.e. that of sharing work.

I will of course be a lot more guarded in what if anything i post.

K'Voth
« Last Edit: 10 25, 2010, 01:03: AM by K'Voth » Logged

Captain K'Voth
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« Reply #3 on: 10 25, 2010, 02:18: AM »

I have posted part one and two of this story and there are 4 More to post so far.

Comments are greatly appreciated.

K'Voth

So, what you really meant was "Comments that praise me and make me feel good are greatly appreciated." I thought you wanted honest feedback. Sorry for misunderstanding.
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K'Voth
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« Reply #4 on: 10 25, 2010, 02:57: AM »

Wow, Thats not only uncalled for but unessesary. If you had to put no offence it is clear that it is going to cause plenty of offence. However i am not so childish that i need my ego stroked and hey wow thats wonderful spouted at me, especially when i know it is not. There is absolutly no need to be that unpleasant. If i caused you to be annoyed or feel you have to post that then fair enough that is your call, however the street works both ways. I do not know you in person so i can only take what you post in its purist form. Here is what it read like to me.

"I suggest you find a friendly..."

Don't post here

"As for the ideas..."

I couldn't be bothered to get past your differing to my ideal work so i didn't bother"

If i missed what you ment then i am sorry. I don't simply want empty praise as that is usless, i am trying to learn after all. However wording wise there is a difference between Honesty and brutality. I simply shouldn't have posted back as anything i said was going to come out wrong, as all i ment was that i struggled as I can only go with what i know and if its wrong then thats frustrating.

« Last Edit: 10 25, 2010, 03:16: AM by K'Voth » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: 10 25, 2010, 08:53: PM »

It sounds like a great story, unfortunately I had to stop reading because I couldn't understand what was going on after a while (did a battle happen or was he having a flashback??). My recommendation would be to break up some of those big sentences into smaller pieces and add some more time markers. Here's an example:

Original: It was a cold dawn, mist hung gently among the trees, A river sliding past, grasses rustling spoke deeply to the soul of the Klingon warrior sat cross legged on the floor. A recent rain had swept through the area in the last few days and made the smell of the planet and creatures a heady cloud that seemed to cling to the very core of everything it touched.

Rewrite: It was a cold dawn. Mist hung gently among the tress. The river silently slid past. A storm had swept though the area recently which raised a heady cloud that seemed to cling to everything it touched and smelled of the planet's plants and creatures. The rustling grass spoke deeply to the soul of the Klingon warrior who sat crossed legged on the ground.
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ter'eS
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« Reply #6 on: 10 26, 2010, 03:05: PM »

Here is what it read like to me.

"I suggest you find a friendly..."

Don't post here

"As for the ideas..."

I couldn't be bothered to get past your differing to my ideal work so i didn't bother"

If i missed what you ment then i am sorry. I don't simply want empty praise as that is usless, i am trying to learn after all. However wording wise there is a difference between Honesty and brutality. I simply shouldn't have posted back as anything i said was going to come out wrong, as all i ment was that i struggled as I can only go with what i know and if its wrong then thats frustrating.


I never said you should go away (who am I to speak for the board, anyway?).  What I meant was, your work has problems (a point I note that even you don't disagree with), and, if you want to improve it, you need to do one of two things: have a friendly beta editor go over this story line-by-line with you, or find a forum dedicated to aspiring writers and study the craft.  I was simply pointing out that these are not the functions of this board.

I didn't say I couldn't be bothered to read your story, I said I couldn't read your story. I told you this so you would realize that presentation is just as important as plot, and that the absence of either makes a story unreadable.  How long would you watch a DVD with bad sound, or areas that skip or fill with blocky pixels?  It's a simple equation: Good writing + good plot = enjoyable read. So, on second thought, I guess you could say I can't be bothered to read the work of someone who can't be bothered to give me both parts of the equation. (And my problem isn't that your writing differs from my "ideal work", but that it differs from standard English usage.)

I simply don't understand what you wanted.  You asked for comments. I commented that I thought this story wasn't polished enough to show to people and suggested some ways you could get it polished.  That obviously wasn't want you wanted.  You don't dispute that the writing of your story has problems, you just attack me for pointing them out.

If a person is unwilling to take the time to learn their craft, then I have only contempt for their work.  If a person is unable to learn their craft, then I have sympathy for them, but maybe it's time they found a different avenue for artistic expression.  Only you can say into which category you fall.
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QoghtlhIH'u'
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« Reply #7 on: 10 26, 2010, 03:24: PM »

An Icelandic friend pointed Google Translate out to me, and I guessed the Earth Song is probably in Finnish. It seems that it actually is Finnish, of Fins, or something with Suomi.
Tuli kokko, iliman lintu
translates to
Boozer, iliman bird

And guys, I know we are Klingon fans so we are supposed to love fighting, but if you have to fight, use Bathleths instead, or Disruptors if you can get your hands on them.
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« Reply #8 on: 10 27, 2010, 03:33: PM »

I'd like to apologize to the forum, unklingon as that is, for my recent comments on K'Voth's story. It would have been better for me to say nothing at all.
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K'Voth
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« Reply #9 on: 10 30, 2010, 03:54: AM »

It sounds like a great story, unfortunately I had to stop reading because I couldn't understand what was going on after a while (did a battle happen or was he having a flashback??). My recommendation would be to break up some of those big sentences into smaller pieces and add some more time markers.

Cheers, I'll give it a shot. Im in the middle of a long re-write at the moment, as well as finishing the story. It does indeed contain some flashbacks and i can see reading over it what it is a little choppy .

QoghtlhIH'u' the song is Tulli Kokko by Korpiklaani and is indeed in finnish. I hadn't noticed that the tag to denote this hadn't copied over from the word document, cheers for the heads up.
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Captain K'Voth
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« Reply #10 on: 12 20, 2013, 05:38: AM »

I thought that it was a good story my friend. I Liked how you laid it out with the subheadings, it made it feel like a report or some detailed memoirs. I think you should post more of the story, I agree it may need some work but we are not professinals, we only give tips from our (I speak for myself) limited experiance of this art.

A Klingon Never Dies,
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