Kaga's Kollection of Klingon Kuisine

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Kaga:
Greetings, my Klingon Brothers and Sisters! I am Kaga, Klingon Chef and aspiring Klingon Brewmaster. Food is my passion, and many glorious battles have I fought in the pursuit of Klingon culinary advancement! I have grown dismayed, however, with the availability of true Klingon recipes on this world's. K'tesh, is, of course, THE authority on recreating Klingon cuisine with Earth ingredients, but I feel he sometimes either sacrifices authenticity for the sake of catering to "civilized" human palates, or goes to the other extreme and proposes recipes that resemble Klingon dishes but are inedible by human standards. In my cooking, I propose to find a balance.

(The only other source for Klingon recipes geared towards this planet is the cookbook belonging to that petaQ, Neelix. Some of his recipes have merit, such as his replicas of gagh or racht, but others... a Heart of Targ recipe consisting of tomato bruschette? I ought to gut him like the Ha'DIbaH he is and show him how a real Klingon prepares Talaxian Stew...)

Keeping all of this in mind, I would like to share with you some of my own Klingon recipes. In turn, it would do me great honor if some of you would deign to share some of your own with the rest of us. So, without further ado, first up are my recipes for Slimy Tongue Balls and Gladst.

Slimy Tongue Balls

Slimy Tongue Balls are a perfect example of what I consider to be the key failing of K'tesh's otherwise exemplary cooking: he places presentation over realism. His recipe for Slimy Tongue Balls calls for steamed, peeled grapes. Grapes?!? There is nothing Klingon about sitting around eating steamed grapes! In my eyes, the recipe should be just what the name implies- meatballs made from animal tongue, covered in a slimy sauce. This is my own approximation of the original recipe on Qo'noS.

Ingredients

1 cow tongue
3 or 4 bay leaves
1 tsp cloves
1 bulb garlic
Bread crumbs (any variety of spiced flavors)
1 tbsp rubbed sage
1 tbsp ground thyme
1 tsp black pepper
1 medium tomato, chopped
1 drizzle of olive oil
1 teaspoon cinnamon powder
1 small chili
5 raisins
6 pumpkin seeds

Directions

Fill a large pot with enough water to cover the cow tongue. Add the bay leaves, cloves and garlic and bring to a boil. Scrub the tongue well and place in the pot. Reduce the heat immediately and simmer uncovered 2-3 hours, or until tender. Remove from water and let rest until cool enough to handle. Peel skin from tongue and trim gristle and any small bones.

Put the meat through a meat grinder, and place in a mixing bowl with the bread crumbs, sage, thyme and pepper. Squeeze together by hand, making golf-ball sized meatballs.

Cook in a greased baking dish in the oven, turning each meatball for even cooking. Brown the outside and use a meat thermometer to make sure they are cooked to a safe internal temperature. Transfer the meatballs and the grease to a large, clear bowl, and refrigerate.

In a food processor, blend the tomato, olive oil, cinnamon, chili, raisins and pumpkin seeds to a smooth and slimy consistency. Pour it over the meatballs, and serve cold with beet stems for display. Klingons treat this meal as a finger food.

Gladst

K'tesh has this one right, but doesn't give instructions on how to prepare it. Mine are as follows.

Gladst

Ingredients

Seaweed leaves
sesame oil
rice vinegar
soy sauce

Directions

Soak the seaweed leaves in a mixture of the oil, vinegar and soy sauce for a few hours in the refrigerator before serving. Remove it, and shake it relatively dry so that it is wet but does not drip much, as gladst is intended to be a finger food, as is most Klingon fare.

More recipes will follow; feel free to contribute with recipes of your own!



[Edit -- changed thread title]

ter'eS:
Very interesting! But what exactly do you mean by "seaweed leaves"?  Kombu? Wakame? Nori? Hijiki? Laver? Dulse? Do you start with dried, or soak/boil it first?

Kaga:
Well, strictly speaking it can be left up to individual preference, but you should keep in mind the appearance of gladst in the DS9 episode 'Melora'.



Now that picture isn't very high quality, and my experience with seaweed isn't such that I can spot-identify the variety just by looking at it, but it doesn't look like hijiki (too bad, as hijiki's my personal favorite when it comes to seaweed; but no worries, I use reconstituted hijiki "noodles" as the basis for one of my gagh recipes, which I'll post here soon). I use dulce, though perhaps laver would work.

The seaweed should have been cooked before you prepare it as gladst; I follow the directions on the side, by putting it and enough water to cover it in a pot on low heat for about 15 minutes. Follow whatever directions come with your own brand of seaweed, and then soak it in the oil/sauce mixture.

Next up will be Finova Beans and Tknag Hooves!

ShinRa:
I'm just waiting for you to attempt Gagh, my friend  ;)

Kaga:
When it comes to gagh, there ARE recipes calling for live mealworms or super meal worms in sauce that I've seen. I wouldn't be opposed to trying them, but as mealworms clearly aren't serpent-worms, and I can think of no other decent Earth substitutes for them, I think I'll go with K'tesh's solution to the problem and substitute noodles. Pity the fact that I have to explain to my guests why their gagh is dead, though.  :(

That said, my recipes for gagh look a lot better than the one K'tesh advocates. Look for them at the bottom of this post.

Finova Beans

We don't know much about Finova Beans, other than they are deadly if not prepared correctly. I've decided not to incorporate that feature into this recipe. I chose Anasazi beans because they taste quite unique compared to other beans, and because of their unusual purple-red color. Feels Klingon enough to me, even if they're not poisonous.

Ingredients

2 cups dried Anasazi beans
1 cup leftover meat juice
1 tsp. dried Mexican or Greek oregano
1 tsp. cilantro
1 small onion, chopped
Generous dash of Bloodwine

Directions

Soak the beans in water overnight, the drain them. Warm the left over meat juice in the bottom of a pot, along with the onion, oregano and cilantro. Add a dash of Bloodwine. Stir. When the mixture has simmered for three or four minuts, add the beans and enough water to cover, adding some extra to make up for evaporation. Bring to a boil; then lower the heat and simmer for 40 minutes. Add salt to taste and continue cooking until the beans are as tender as you like them probably another 30 minutes or so. When done, check the seasonings. Drain the beans of the broth (the broth can be added to a stew, or just discarded), and serve hot.

Tknag Hooves

K'tesh fails to mention this recipe at all, and so I have perhaps overcompensated a bit by providing not one, not two, not even three, but SIX different methods of preparing them. The most "Klingon" of them is probably the first one, but we all know how Klingon Houses fight over which recipe is best, so feel free to adopt whichever one is your favorite for your own house.

Recipe 1

Ingredients

4-8 Pigs feet
Tknag blood or broth, or water to cover
Salt
Dash (or more than a dash) of Bloodwine

Directions

Put pigs feet in cold water, scrape and clean well. Place in pot and cover with salted water. Boil until meat is tender. Serve warm with grapok sauce.

Recipe 2

Ingredients

4 pigs feet, split in half lengthwise
2 medium onions, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 garlic clove, chopped
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup white vinegar
1 teaspoon black pepper
3 teaspoon crushed red pepper
barbecue sauce
water

Directions

As always the key to great cooking is to be prepared and to use quality ingredients.

Okay, so where do you buy pigs feet? Often times you will have to ask the grocery store butcher for the pigs feet because they're usually frozen and sometime stored in the back of the store.

Begin by giving the pigs feet a good washing. For presentation purposes remove any unsightly hair that you observe. Yes pigs grow hair on the toes and feet just like humans. A disposable razor will remove the hair.

Place all the ingredients in a large boiling pot and cover with water. Bring water to a boil over medium-high heat and then reduce heat to a simmer. Cover pot with lid and allow pigs feet to cook until tender, about 3 hours. While your meat is cooking stir constantly and skim away any foam that develops.

Recipe 3   

Ingredients

8 each pigs' feet
2 quarts water
 cups white vinegar
2 large onion, chopped
2 each green bell pepper, chopped
1/4 cup red pepper flakes
3 tablespoons salt
1 tablespoon black pepper, freshly ground
3 cups barbecue sauce

Directions

Wash the pigs' feet well. Place them in a large pot and pour in the water.

Add the vinegar, onions, green peppers, red pepper, salt, and black pepper.

Heat to boiling over medium heat. Reduce the heat to simmering and cook, covered, until just about tender, about 2 1/2 hours.

Skim the surface and stir the pigs' feet occasionally during cooking.

Preheat the oven to 350 degree F. Remove the pigs' feet from the broth with a slotted spoon.

Arrange them side by side in 2 baking pans large enough to hold them in a single layer.

Spoon the barbecue sauce over them and bake 15 minutes.

Reduce the heat to 300 degree F. and continue cooking until tender, about 35 minutes.

Recipe 4

Ingredients

6 to 8 pigs feet
4 limes
Sliced jalapeno peppers
2 cucumbers
1 lg. onion
Salt

Directions

Boil pigs feet; drain. Boil until tender. Let sit. In large bowl, squeeze lime juice into 3 cups warm water. Peel cucumbers and onion; slice thin. Add to lime and water. Add jalapeno peppers and salt to taste. Drain figs feet; add to lime water and other ingredients. Let marinate for about an hour. Do not let pigs feet cook until they fall apart, only until tender.

Recipe 5

Ingredients

3 lbs. pigs feet, chopped in 1/2 lengthwise
2 tbsp. salt
1 tsp. paprika
1 lg. onion, with skins
1 tsp. pepper
2 cloves garlic

Directions

Singe pigs feet by holding with fork over gas flame. Scrub and wash. Boil in large pot for a few minutes. Pour off water. Add fresh water, just enough to cover, bring to boiling and skim if necessary. Simmer slowly. Add garlic, onion, salt, pepper and paprika. Cook about 4 to 5 hours or until bones and meat are falling apart. Divide meat in equal portions into dishes with gelatin and let stand overnight in a cold place to set.

Recipe 6

Ingredients

3 lbs. pig feet, split
4 qts. water
5 cloves garlic, whole
3 lg. onion, only cut off the root leave the clean peel on
1 tbsp. salt, more if you like
1 tsp. black pepper
1/2 tsp. paprika

Directions

Singe feet and wash well. Put all the ingredients in 1 pot and cook slowly for 6-7 hours. Meat should fall off the bones easily and liquid should be less than 1/2 of what you started. Place the meat in soup bowl and strain the broth over to almost fill the dishes. Place in refrigerator until cold.

Gagh

And my recipes for Gagh, which as I mentioned above do not call for living worms, which is disappointing I know. However, if you're looking for more realism in your dish, something more resembling what's been seen on TNG and DS9, you've come to the right place. The last of these recipes is the recipe for Gagh from the Star Trek Cookbook, and is probably the least realistic of the following, though still tasty... by human standards. ;)

Recipe 1

Ingredients

1 pound Chinese longbeans
1 tablespoon garlic, chopped or ground
1 tablespoon ginger, chopped or ground
1 tablespoon dark soy sauce
Black or red food dye
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt, or to taste
Pepper to taste, optional
2 tablespoons vegetable or peanut oil for stir-frying, or as needed

Directions

Wash the longbeans, drain thoroughly, and trim the tops and bottoms. Heat 1 tablespoon oil over medium heat.

Add the longbeans and stir-fry until they start to shrivel or "pucker" and turn brown (5 - 7 minutes). Remove the long beans and drain in a colander or on paper towels. Heat 1 tablespoon oil in the wok on high heat. Stir-fry the food dye soy sauce, ginger, garlic and other seasonings for less than a minute and then add the beans. Stir-fry briefly, make sure the color is right, and then chill to room temperature. Klingons eat this as a finger food. Serves 4.

Recipe 2

Ingredients

Hijiki Seaweed or Chinese Seaweed Noodles
3 tbsps soy sauce
2 tbsps sugar
2 tbsps mirin
3/4 cup water

Put dried hijiki or seaweed noodles in a bowl. Wash them and soak in water for 10-15 minutes. Drain hijiki over a colander.

Heat vegetable oin in a frying pan and sautÚ seaweed with the other ingredients, simmering until the liquid is almost gone. Cool to room temperature and serve as a finger food.

Recipe 3

Ingredients

2 cups mung bean sprouts
1 stalk green onion, cut to approximately the same length as the bean sprouts
1/2 tsp garlic, minced or crushed
1/2 tsp ginger, minced or crushed
1 tsp light soy sauce
1 tsp oyster sauce
white pepper
Red or black food dye
Directions

Heat up a frying pan with 1 tbsp of vegetable oil. Medium heat.

Stir fry the mung bean sprouts, garlic and ginger to flavor the oil.

Add light soy sauce, oyster sauce and pepper and stir-fry to taste. When the mung bean sprouts are almost cooked (they become slightly translucent), add in the green onions and food dye. Stir fry just a little bit more, then allow it to cool to room temperature before serving as a finger food. Serves 2.

Recipe 4

Ingredients

1-pound package thick Japanese udon noodles (whole wheat is best), or Chinese or Thai rice noodles
4 ounces prepared sesame salad dressing or Chinese chicken salad dressing or tahini
╝ cup soy sauce or light soy sauce
1 teaspoon dark brown Karo syrup, if you find it necessary for color

Directions

Prepare the noodles per the package instructions, replacing one-half the water with the soy sauce. Chill. Then stir through quarter-cup soy sauce and sesame salad dressing. Add Karo syrup and stir through to satisfy your own sense of color and taste, and there you have it: gagh! Serve at room temperature as a finger food.

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