Posted: Apr 14 2004, 12:54 AMOooh! Oooh! Me! I've got notes on that topic and comments on the story. It will take time I don't have right now to format and enter it all on the PHP entry thingy. Hopefully things will calm down this weekend. I hope to have the story comments and several other posts up soon.
========================================
(And here they are. Thanks for letting me re-format this. It is much easier to read this way. The convention is to indicate new paragraphs and changes in speaker during dialogue with indentation, but the Forum software won't allow for that. In such cases the rule appears to be to skip lines where before one would indent. I hope the system I used makes sense. If not, I can send you a .jpg of the annotated printout I was working from.)
Martok had enough problems on his hands without having them compounded by not being able to find a suitable mate for the marriage that would enable their two peoples to ally. He snarled in annoyance and half of the 40 women standing in front of him quaked. The other half didn’t bother; they ran.
“Do you have any other single females?”
"No."
(Who is Martok addressing?)
They mounted horses and pounded to a military encampment. Martok grinned wolfishly
Wolfishly grinning Klingons have become a bit of a cliche in both fan- and profic, along the lines of "aristocratic cheekbones" and "dawn's rosy fingers". You might want to try another adjective or phrase here.
He sat down by the woman. “A long life and good health to you, High Councilor,” she greeted him.
Good line. Treats him as an equal, polite without giving ground.
“That’s the Klingon High Councilor? What is he doing here?”
“Uh oh. Chelsea I’d run as far and as fast as I could. He is going to ask you to marry his son.”
(How does the speaker know this?)
“Why would he do a stupid thing like that?”
“Yeah, she’s ugly, disrespectful, and…”
“Hey! I am not ugly!”
This section could use some dialog tags -- it is unclear who is saying what. Even extras need something to identify them. "Her second-in-command said", "said a small man with a scar across his forehead", etc.
Chelsea she neeeds to be a bit tougher. Perhaps have her deliver the line with an indication of displeasure or threat, or have her throw out an insult to top it. After all, she leads an army, and would not be able to maintain order by letting her soldiers talk to/about her like that. Even her closest friends would need to know who's boss, especially in public.
An hour later Martok had cornered Chelsea in her tent
Chelsea is a military leader. In most feudal systems knights begin as pages or apprentices. Can we assume she had to work her way up through the ranks? As a female in a predominantly male setting, she would have had to learn to be difficult to corner in short order if she were to last. Did Martok sneak up on her? Were there any bodyguards or servants he had to get past to get into her tent?
and persuaded her that she had to marry Lytol, his son. It was her duty to her king and her country. Finally she agreed.
A little elaboration here would help to clarify the political situation that lead to the marriage. Why is it necessary that Chelsea marry Lytol? It is unlikely that such a one would give up her independence and power. Why does she agree to this? If she is a skilled leader and fighter, she must have had multiple suitors with similar agendas. What does
she stand to gain from the marriage?
The date was set and Chelsea went to the planet
(Which planet? Which begs the question: where is the story set?)
to be prepared by his wife, Sirella, for the ceremony. Lady Sirella stood in Chelsea’s quarters looking her most disapproving. She had to ‘welcome’ this wench into the family, true, but she didn’t have to be nice to her. The women walked over to her.
(Women, plural. Who are the women? Sirella and her servants?)
She was wearing her army uniform.
(Perhaps describe this uniform by a few key details. Richer imagery will help the story stick in the reader's mind. For example: "Dried blood had seeped through to stain her sleeve"; "Her jacket gaped at the top where the sword of an enemy soldier had sliced off the buttons while narrowly missing her throat", etc. )
The nerves in her voice showed. “Good health and a long life to you ma’am.”
Again, Chelsea leads an army. She wouldn't be easily intimidated. What is it about Sirella that makes her nervous? Her bearing? Her political clout?
While she would show respect toward her future mother-in-law, I think that "ma'am" seems a bit submissive. A military leader would not cow easily. How about "Lady Sirella" or the more generic title of "Lady" instead of "ma'am"?
“Hmpff.”
Chelsea sent Martok a “help me” look and a warrior standing next to him chuckled. “What’s so funny?”
“She has faced a giant, fought in battles while outnumbered five to one, and fought god only knows how many immortals, but she is terrified of that one lady.”
“It’s not funny.”
“No, it’s hilarious.”
Meanwhile, Chelsea was alone with Sirella.
Continuity point: Sirella (and her servants?) are in Chelsea's quarters to prep her for the wedding. Out of nowhere Chelsea is looking at Martok. He wasn't introduced at the beginning of the scene, nor is he shown entering the room. Martok and friend are having their exchange *while* Chelsea is alone with Sirella.
“It’s the disowning mark, ma’am. When your family disowns you, that mark is placed on you to mark you as disowned by your family.”
“Disowns you?”
“Yes, ma’am. No noble will treat me as anyone higher than a common foot soldier.”
“But aren’t you some sort of hero?”
“To those who have fought under my command, yeah. To others, no. To put it mildly, I became a p[h]easant when I was disowned for wanting to be a knight.”
“I’m sorry.”
From what little I've seen of her, Sirella strikes me as a bit of a hard@$$. Chelsea is a potential rival. Even if Sirella felt sympathy for her, she wouldn't express it as such.
Lady Sirella shook her head and she and her daughter-in-law talked, becoming fast friends.
What was it about Chelsea that earned Sirella's respect? Sirella strikes me as one who neither impresses nor makes friends easily. (See above disclaimer.) Do they have something critical in common?
“Chelsea, it’s time.” Slowly, Chelsea stood, rolling her shoulders like a boxer heading into a fight. “You are getting married, not riding into battle.”
“Right. You are positive of this? To me it is the same thing.”
Good line! Finally, Chelsea shows the accumulated wisdom one would expect of a leader of her stature. This is a marriage of someone else's (Chelsea's king's?) convenience, not one of love.
For Chelsea, the wedding zoomed by. That was a good thing, as deciding to do something was very different from doing it.
Good. The reality of the situation is beginning to sink in.
She was sorely tempted to run for her life throughout most of the ceremony. It had taken all of her will to take off the veil, and walk to the dais. Her husband
(Husband-to-be. She's not married yet. That we know of...)
stood at the top, waiting. Finally she stood in front of him. Only her eyes revealed fear. He clamped a restraining but gentle hand on her shoulder. “Relax, I won’t run. I would be lucky to get 5 paces before someone stops me. Let’s get this over with, shall we?” He smiled slightly,
I don't think a member of a prominent Klingon family would reassure a nervous bride, particularly one of Chelsea's supposed leadership and fighting ability. He wouldn't necesarily expect her to be enthusiastic about the wedding, but he would expect a degree of self-posession. He certainly wouldn't expect her to run from a committment she has made.
The banquet afterward turned out to be a true test of Chelsea’s fortitude. All of the food moved. It took her several tries to capture her food. Then it wriggled off the fork before she got it to her mouth. She glared at her plate, and tried again. It took her ten minutes to get a bite.
(Perhaps describe her battle with her unwilling dinner. You could get in a bit of character development by indicating the others' reactions to her efforts. E.g., Chelsea's lack of dining skills confirms Sirella's suspicions that she is indeed no more than a peasant. Martok is amused is the skill discrepancy. Lytol is embarrassed, wonders how he can possibly present his new wife to proper society, and sends a servant to summon Henry Higgins. Etc.)
“All that work for one bite. I’m gonna starve to death aren’t I?” Her husband laughed and Chelsea joined in. She smiled. “You know, maybe this won’t be so bad after all. I’m Chelsea. What is your name?”
(Wouldn't Martok have briefed his son as to the specifics of the wedding and his expectations of the marriage, even as Sirella was doing the same to Chelsea? Neither party is entering the marriage blind. Unless you want it to lead somewhere I think you can safely prune the exchange of names.)
“Lytol. You know you are going about this food all wrong. You are supposed to wait for the prey to come to you.”
“Yuh huh.”
Great ending! I like the symbolism. Who, in the end, is the prey? Has Chelsea been set up? Is this line really about dinner, or is Chelsea the prey who has fallen into Martok's trap? Chelsea's final line can be read different ways: her suspicions are confirmed; she knew it all along; or it just now hit her. If you want your ending
not to be ambiguous, you need a little foreshadowing somewhere. I personally like it the way it is.
Plot. Could use a little more backstory as to why Martok wants to add Chelsea to his family . Even just a few lines as regarding the overall political situation would help.
Characterization. Lines like: “Hey! I am not ugly!” "Yeah..." "gonna", "Yuh huh", and lots of contractions make Chelsea sound more like a contemporary teenager than a leader of an army. Granted, a lot of that depends on the speaker's delivery, which is difficult to convey in written form. My advice would be to aim for a bit more Xena in your lead and a bit less Sailor Moon. (Though this may be axiomatic...)
FWIW, it's always been my impression that formal or somewhat archaic-sounding language equals "alien". For added realism, so do awkward grammar and pronunciation because they indicate that the alien has had to learn the language of the local people(s). Try to be sparing with pop-culture slang unless it is integral to the story or its setting.
As to the portrayal of Sirella and Martok, I haven't seen enough of either of them to comment much on the use of them in the story. Here I ask my fellow Klinfolk for their opinions.
Overall: Short character pieces are harder than they seem; you have to pack a lot of detail into a small "space". Nevertheless, I think the story would benefit from more descriptive details in your narration. The dictum "show, don't tell" applies here. Also, the use of sensory details at key points can help to give the story more immediacy to the reader. Don't just report what your characters see, but describe smells, textures, sounds. Doing so establishes "atmosphere", which is crucial to a short piece in which you don't have room to develop complex plots. Working them into a few well-crafted similies or metaphors will also serve to aid in character development by giving the reader little clues as to the character's past and state of mind.
If you do any revisions on this piece I hope you will post the new version(s).
(Did you ever do anything further with the piece about the Klingon PTs and their Human patient? That is another of your pieces that caught interest and showed a lot of potential.)
-=- Kesvirit
Klingon Imperial Forums
Author
