Seeking help for translation of new song---any takers?

[jester8886]

Hello experts!

I have composed a song that I intend to have performed as part of my Masters thesis.  I am currently a Masters student in Music Composition and part of my final composition project will feature a song in Klingon. Below is the text.  I am seeking some help in translation.  While I am a huge trek fan, I am far from an expert on the language usage!

Thanks in advance for any help I receive.  I would appreciate any responses be echoed to marcgbeth@gmail.com.  Thanks!
--------------------------
My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat'letH
by Marc Beth

My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat'letH
Your weapon is stained by your glorious victories
My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat'letH
Only your heroic return will bring honor to your house

If you die, die in battle, with eyes open
You will go to Stovokor, for today is a good day to die
If you come home wounded
You will only bring shame on your father's house

My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat'letH
Your weapon is stained by your glorious victories
My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat'letH
Only your heroic return will bring honor to your house

If it were not for your children
I would join you in glorious victory
We would stand as Kahless and Lukara
At the battle of Qam-chee

My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat'letH
-------------------------------

[Qunchuy]

I applaud your goal. I have only two comments:

1) The subjunctive in the final verse will not survive a translation into Klingon without serious rephrasing.

2) I make it a general policy not to get involved in translation of someone else's poetry. There's more than grammar involved. Sorry.

[jIHaD]

Well, I don't know how much good it will do you now, but I did get the words translated. There's just the matter of fitting it to a meter or a tune. I didn't know what it was supposed to sound like, so this is a guess at best. But here it is, for all the good it'll do you (since the original post in this thread was September).


My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat’leth
tIqwIjvo' pum betleHlIj 'Iw
Your bat’leth’s blood falls from my heart.*
Your weapon is stained by your glorious victories
nuHlIj nguvmoH yaymeylIj Dun
Your great victories stain your weapon
My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat’leth
tIqwIjvo' pum betleHlIj 'Iw
Your bat’leth’s blood falls from my heart.*
Only your heroic return will bring honor to your house
batlh bIcheghDI' neH, tuqwIj DaquvmoH
Only when you return honorably, will you honor your House.

If you die, die in battle, with eyes open
bIHeghchugh, bISuvtaHvIS yIHegh, poStaHvIS mInDu'lIj
If you die, die while fighting, while your eyes are open
You will go to Stovokor, for today is a good day to die
SutovoqorDaq bIjaH, Heghlu'meH QaQmo' jajvam
You will go to Sto-vo-kor, because today is a good day to die
If you come home wounded
DaQIDlu'chugh bIcheghDI'
If you are wounded when you return
You will only bring shame on your father's house
vaj vavlI' tuq DatuHmoH neH
Then you will only shame your father’s House

My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat’leth
tIqwIjvo' pum betleHlIj 'Iw
Your bat’leth’s blood falls from my heart.*
Your weapon is stained by your glorious victories
nuHlIj nguvmoH yaymeylIj Dun
Your great victories stain your weapon
My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat’leth
tIqwIjvo' pum betleHlIj 'Iw
Your bat’leth’s blood falls from my heart.*
Only your heroic return will bring honor to your house
batlh bIcheghDI' neH, tuqwIj DaquvmoH
Only when you return honorably, will you honor your House.

If it were not for your children
puqpu' vIQorghbe'chugh
If I didn’t care for your children
I would join you in glorious victory
vaj QaptaHvIS qamuvlaH
Then I could join you in winning
We would stand as Kahless and Lukara
'ej qeylIS luqara je marur
And we would be like Kahless and Lukara
At the battle of Qam-chee
qamchIy che'ronDaq
On Qam-chee’s battlefield.

My heart is dripping with the blood from your bat’leth
tIqwIjvo' pum betleHlIj 'Iw
Your bat’leth’s blood falls from my heart.*

[QoghtlhIH'u']

Beautiful!

A few suggestions from a beginner in Klingon:

puqpu' vIQorghbe'chugh
If I didn’t care for your children

ofcourse -lI' should be added: puqpu'lI' your children

I would join you in glorious victory
vaj QaptaHvIS qamuvlaH
Then I could join you in winning
vaj is not necessary here, because this part is preceded by an if statement. Like in the C++ programming language in Klingon an if -chugh statement need not be followed by a then vaj



Then there is the subtle difference between if and when:

batlh bIcheghDI' neH, tuqwIj DaquvmoH
Only as soon as you return honorably you will honor your House.

I would choose if in this case:
batlh bIcheghchugh neH, tuqwIj DaquvmoH

We would stand as Kahless and Lukara
'ej qeylIS luqara je marur
And we would be like Kahless and Lukara

'ej qeylIS luqara je wIrur
We (subject) resemble Kahless and Lukara (object), so I guess the wI- prefix is required instead of the ma- prefix.


'ej  qamchIy che'ronDaq Qambogh qeylIS luqara je wIrur
would even include "stand":
And we would resemble Kahless and Lukara who stand at Qamchee battlefield




QoghtlhIH'u'

[Qunchuy]

'ej qeylIS luqara je wIrur
We (subject) resemble Kahless and Lukara (object), so I guess the wI- prefix is required instead of the ma- prefix.

Plural object actually calls for the DI- prefix.

[QoghtlhIH'u']

Plural object actually calls for the DI- prefix.

You (Qunchuy) mean: We resemble them: DIrur

'ej qeylIS luqara je marur
becomes
'ej qeylIS luqara je DIrur

or with Kahless and Lukara standing:

'ej qamchIy che'ronDaq Qambogh
qeylIS luqara je DIrur

and we would be like Kahless and Lukara
standing at the Qamchee battlefield