Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy, 2nd. Ed. A parody

(I am not sure where to post this; it is not a short story, and it is certainly not poetry. If anyone objects to its inclusion in the Short Stories section I will move it to General Discussions.)

A well-intentioned but woefully ignorant Human has tried to write an elementary primer on male Klingon behavior and customs for the lesser races. I had every intention of contacting zan Stan to challenge him for usership (we all know that stealing is dishonorable -- we conquer what we want! :rolleyes: ). But the frequency terminus "spam@wonderful.spam" is unlikely to reach its intended destination, let alone yield a worthy opponent. I hereby claim this post under internet rights of salvage.

It will appeal most to neotrekkers. Students of the old school know that Klingon life is just not that simple. *smirk* }}:^P

> From: Stan Jensen <spam@wonderful.spam>
> Subject: [HUMOR] - Style Tips on "Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy"
> Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 03:35:15 GMT
> Newsgroups:
> alt.startrek,alt.tv.star-trek,alt.tv.star-trek.enterprise,rec.arts.startrek
> Message-ID: <b2acov0ctajp2db0bje3a7gc2brhu7clue@4ax.com>
>
> Style Tips on "Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy"
>
> Remember, always eat your gahk starting with the dagger furthest from the plate.
Faux Klingon alert! Not only is "gagh" mispelled, but everyone knows you do not eat it with a dagger. That will only serve to puncture the skin and allow the blood to leak out before the morsel reaches your lips. Gagh is to be eaten with the fingers, or, in less formal company, slurped directly from the bowl! Any other means of consumption is strictly between you and your mate, consort(s) or parmaqqay, and I don't want to hear about it.
>
> *Manly men* wear braids AND ponytails.
Even if they must buy them from a wigmaker and keep a hairstylist on retainer to install and maintain them. Your ultimate goal is the Louis XIV/Braveheart effect.
>
> Key word here is BULK. Body-hugging jumpsuits SCREAM "sissy Earthman."
They also provide little protection against weapons. Even those wielded by sissy Earthers.
>
> Chain mail: GOOD. Spandex: BAD !!
Faux Klingon alert! No self-respecting Klingon warrior would dress in chain mail, a prime example of the historical garb of the Empire's worst enemies. Only a seriously delusional Klingon would take on the identity of a Viking, Celt, or Dwarf.
>
> No occasion is too casual or too formal for black rubber body armor.
One of the many advantages of being Klingon. One outfit will do for most occasions, from sub-warrior league throwing contests to conquering entire star systems. If they ask you to wear anything beyond "dressy-casual", chances are you do not want to attend the event anyway, for you will be bored to death. Boredom is a most unglorious way to die.
>
> All right -- instead of a heavy sigh, growl deep in your throat.
A heavy sigh rarely indicates profound emotion. More likely it only means that your lung has been punctured.
>
> NO COMB-OVERS!!
So obvious I am surprised someone felt it necessary to mention. When their hair becomes noticibly thin or comes out in great handfuls (without having been torn by the hand of a lover or an enemy), *masculine males* relieve their domes of every last strand to show off their ridges to their absolute best advantage.
Would General Chang have worn a combover? Case closed.
>
> I don't care what those Terrans told you on "Queer Eye," we're going for a martial effect here, so those frou-frou drapes have simply got to go!
However, those familiar the historical classic works of the Terran entertainment industry will note that the fabric is quote useful for making clothing for children and singing servants. They also make excellent bandaging material when your lands are under seige.
>
> Earth dudes, the trucker hats have *got* to go.
Not only do they hide your forehead, but as helmets go they won't even protect your head from falling rain, let alone falling shrapnel.
>
> No living room is complete without the mounted heads of your enemies.
Unfortunately, not everyone has a chance to kill their enemies face-to-face. If the enemy was killed in a glorious space battle the head will most likely be no more than dust and plasma. These substances are notoriously difficult to collect and mount. In such cases, a mounted effigy notarized by the ranking officer present at the of death is completely acceptable. An added bonus: no taxidermy charges, which can be exhorbitant depending upon the condition of the head. If you are determined to have a head for your wall, do yourself a favor by killing your foe via disembowelment. Even a blade to the heart will leave splatters on the face that can conceal the individual's identity.
>
> Wear a red shirt if you're attending a funeral -- your own.
Red is among the most formal of colors. If you are of the status to rate a funeral, your House practices them, and your remains are complete enough to justify clothing, by all means wear a complete set of robes. It is considered rude to flash attendees by showing up wearing only a shirt.
>
> You *don't* want to tell a Klingon to "zhoozh" his hair.
Particularly using {SuS}* from someone else's can. (I cannot imagine a Klingon who would be able to {SuS} his own hair).
>
> You left the gagh *where*? Earthworm, you simply do not freeze the gagh!!!
Faux Klingon alert! Gaghsickles make excellent snacks for fussy, teething Klinlarvae.
>
> We've never seen a cluttered apartment that two minutes with a bat'leth couldn't fix.
For those truly hopeless cases, use a torch, gather 'round, and sing the Emperor's inauguration dirge.
>
> Cream depilatories are easier and less dangerous than razors for removing the hair in your forehead crevices.
*Masculine males* incorporate a bit of pain worship into their grooming routine by turning the power up to eleven and electrolysising those hairs away. Those without the necessary amperage at hand can make do in a pinch with boiling candle wax.
>
> Good, now butt heads. *Tsk,* you Terrans and your puny skulls.
Everyone knows that no other species can match a Klingon for thick-headedness.
>
> If you have no stomach for raw meat, red licorice left stuck between your teeth will achieve a similar appearance.
Faux Klingon alert! Any Klingon knows that even meat that is red to begin with will quickly darken with age. Furthermore, chewed licorice has a sticky, clay-like texture while meat between the teeth turn stringy as the fat is sucked out of it. Your best alternative is to take a half-finger's length of fibrous vegetable and soak it in good black ale, then find an alien with both teeth and opposable thumbs to show you the rudiments of a hygene ritual called "flossing". Once in place, do not let your newfound teacher convince you to remove the "floss".
>
> No matter what, you need more leather.
Leather. It's not just for clothing anymore.
>
> No, no, no, see, if you bring the blade upwards during the disembowelment you get more blood splatter for a nice speckling effect.
For best results, use a serrated blade to get the ascending aorta and at least one kidney in the same stroke.
>
> Your refusal to discard overly tight, acid-washed apparel brings shame and dishonor to your ancestors.
Not to mention your immediate family when you tear the seat out of those overly-tight pants during a Challenge of Line Honor.
>
> Revenge is a dish best served at a formal, but intimate, dinner party,
accompanied by a late-vintage blood wine.
It is, however, considered polite to let your guests finish their meals and get drunk at a leisurely pace before killing them.
>
> and the Number 1 Style Tip on "Klingon Eye for the Earth Guy"...
>
> It is always a good day to dye your hair.
Preferrably lavender, both to simulate a glorious headwound and to honor the series on which this parody was based.

* {SuS} -- wind (n). If you didn't get it the first time around, don't bother. Walk away from it. It never happened. If you did, report to Medical to have your mind cleansed with disinfectant.

Anyone wishing to improve upon this -- and it cannot be difficult -- is encouraged to do so.

-=- Kesvirt