How's my Klingon?

[tesseraktik]

Greetings, Klingon brothers and sisters,

A while back I assumed command of the USS Aries, an Akira-class starship, over at Gemini Fleet (a Star Trek role-playing community, mainly devoted to Star Trek Online), and I wanted to give my crew a proper speech.  Of course, being Klingon, I feel that the only way to do something properly is to do so in a Klingon fashion, and so I wrote the speech in Klingonese.  Now, I'm still somewhat of a newbie when it comes to this language, but while I believe nobody in my Fleet speaks enough Klingon to tell a proper Klingon text from a bunch of random gibberish, I love conlangs and want to improve my Klingonese.  To this end, I would be honored if one of you were to go over this text and tell me what's wrong with it.

To the entire crew:
beq batlh▼
jaq Daq'e' leghbe'lu'pu'bogh majaHmeH ▼ DaHjaj naDev mughom ▲
nutlhejbe' wayen yo' HoD ▼ Do'Ha' net ▼ 'a taH arIS beqDaj je ▼ 'ej nitebHa' 'ejyo' wIquvmoHtaH ▲

Honored crew,
To boldly go where no one has gone before, that is why where are gathered here today.
Fleet Captain Wayne is not among us, and that is unfortunate, but the Aries and her crew go on, and together we will continue to bring glory to Starfleet!

To my senior staff:
yaSpInpu' ▼
naDev tlhIHmo' Savoqqu' ▼ 'a batlh bajlu'pu'bogh ▼ net leHnISlu'taH ▲
vipIH ▼ batlh yaSpu'ra' boDev 'ej matlh 'ejDo'vam botoy' 'ej chaHvaD 'utchugh SuHeghrup ▲
potlh'a' bIH tIqDu'raj ▼ reH watlhnISqu' ▲

Chief Officers,
You are here because I trust you greatly, but honor which one has earned one must maintain.
This I expect of you: You will lead your officers with honor and serve this starship loyally, and your will be prepared to die for them if necessary.
Your hearts are the most important things; they must always be pure!

To my Executive Officer:
vulqan tIreQ ▼
vuSlaw'be' ghoblIj ▲ bIval ▼ bISub ▼ bIyuDHa' 'ej ▲
yaSwI' wa'DIch SoH ▼ je Hoch beqvaD cha'DIch SoH ▼ matlhqu' rap ghotoy' ▲
Sengchaj DajeSchugh ▼ je batlhwIj DajeSjaj ▲
batlh chotoy'chugh ▼ bommeylIj lubomlu'jaj ▼ bommeywIj lubomlu'DI' ▼

Strek of Vulcan,
Your virtue seems to know no limits; you are intelligent, you are brave, and also you are honest.
You are my First Officer, and also you are every officer's cha'DIch; serve us with equally great loyalty!
If you take part in their problems, may you also take part in my honor.
If you serve me with honor, then may one sing your songs when one sings mine!


Some specific notes:
yaSpInpu' - Right, so this is a conjoined word consisting of the Klingon words yaS (officer) and pIn (boss), and then of course the pluralization suffix -pu'.  Now, I realize some people think creating one's own words is not quite kosher, but I figured that because when Marc Okrand was asked if he approved of the word HolQeD (language + science = linguistics) he said something along the lines of "Yes, this is how one constructs conjoined words in Klingon", it would be okay.  Much as HolQeD is "science which pertains to language", yaSpIn is "boss who pertains to officer".
wayen yo' HoD - yo' means Fleet and HoD means Captain.  "Fleet Captain" is a rank, and I've seen ranks be placed after names in Klingon (see for instance janluq pIqarD HoD).  Much as qeylIS puqloD means "son of Kahless", I figured yo' HoD should mean "Captain of Fleet"


Well, thank you in advance for any help!

[Kesvirit]

Fraek:   Now, I'm still somewhat of a newbie when it comes to this language, but while I believe nobody in my Fleet speaks enough Klingon to tell a proper Klingon text from a bunch of random gibberish, I love conlangs and want to improve my Klingonese.

I cannot critique your translation; I see several mistakes, but do not know how to fix them. But for the benefit of others who wish to learn from your post, the language “Klingonese” does not exist outside of the addled minds of those who designed the UT. The two Klingon languages that have spread far enough outside Imperial territory to be recognized by outsiders are klingonaase and thlIngan Hol. While you wish to pay tribute to your crew by addressing them in the warrior’s tongue, your words will most likely sound like gibberish to them regardless.

Your use of triangles puzzles me. Some time ago a BG told me that using standard English punctuation in written thlIngan Hol is perfectly acceptable. I recommend that you do so. It will provide additional cues that will make your speech more fluid. YKtFRMV.

[tesseraktik]

I cannot critique your translation; I see several mistakes, but do not know how to fix them. But for the benefit of others who wish to learn from your post, the language “Klingonese” does not exist outside of the addled minds of those who designed the UT. The two Klingon languages that have spread far enough outside Imperial territory to be recognized by outsiders are klingonaase and thlIngan Hol. While you wish to pay tribute to your crew by addressing them in the warrior’s tongue, your words will most likely sound like gibberish to them regardless.

Hmm, it seems I still have a lot to learn in terms of speaking and thinking like a true Klingon.  Your answer has left me with as many questions as it has answers, but I suppose it would be very un-Klingon to give up when the going gets tough; in order to succeed, one must enjoy eating poison.
Thank you!

[ter'eS]

Some specific notes:
yaSpInpu' - Right, so this is a conjoined word consisting of the Klingon words yaS (officer) and pIn (boss), and then of course the pluralization suffix -pu'.  Now, I realize some people think creating one's own words is not quite kosher, but I figured that because when Marc Okrand was asked if he approved of the word HolQeD (language + science = linguistics) he said something along the lines of "Yes, this is how one constructs conjoined words in Klingon", it would be okay.  Much as HolQeD is "science which pertains to language", yaSpIn is "boss who pertains to officer".

As Kesvirit notes, your text, while a noble effort, has many grammatical errors.  I don't have time now to get into them, but I did want to address this point.  The convention of not "conjoining" separate words to make new ones has been adopted as a mark of respect towards Marc Okrand, as recognition that only he can make new words.  His comment that this is how one constructs conjoined words in Klingon should be rightly understood to mean, this is how Marc Okrand combines words in Klingon (or, in the case of HolQeD, officially accepts words that others have coined).  Individual users of Klingon are free to coin new phrases all they want, but we keep the elements of the words separate to acknowledge that they are only our own creations, and not official parts of the language.  So, unless you can get Marc Okrand to sign off on yaSpIn, the more respectful approach is to write it as yaS pIn.

[Qunchuy]

Apologies in advance for the lack of pleasantries in this post. I lack the time to be less brusque.

Fraek's words quoted in blue:

To the entire crew:
   
beq batlh▼ Honored crew,

batlh is a noun (or an adverb). This says crew's honor. You want beq quv.

jaq Daq'e' leghbe'lu'pu'bogh majaHmeH ▼ To boldly go where no one has gone before,

You can't just put a verb in front of the sentence and treat it as if it were an adverb. There is no simple way to directly translate boldly. Perhaps pe'vIl forcefully would be an adequate substitute.

If you want to use jaH go with a destination as its object, you need to use a verb prefix that matches the object: wIjaHmeH for us to go [there].

DaHjaj naDev mughom ▲ that is why where are gathered here today.

You misspelled maghom.

This is a very good rephrasing of the idea to fit the Klingon grammar, by the way. Well done.

nutlhejbe' wayen yo' HoD ▼ Fleet Captain Wayne is not among us,

I don't know why you spelled his name wayen instead of weyIn or even just wen, but the sentence is fine.

Do'Ha' net ▼ and that is unfortunate,

Using the pronoun net (or 'e') in this way is a common beginner's error. It can only be the object of a sentence, never the subject. If you want to say that is unfortunate, just say Do'Ha'. The subject will be understood as the situation just mentioned.

'a taH arIS beqDaj je ▼ but the Aries and her crew go on,

Except for the rendition of Aries, this is very nice. Beginning a word with a vowel just isn't normal. I'd have spelled it 'erIS to more closely match the typical pronunciation.

'ej nitebHa' 'ejyo' wIquvmoHtaH ▲ and together we will continue to bring glory to Starfleet!

Perfect.

To my senior staff:

yaSpInpu' ▼ Chief Officers,

I understand what you're trying for with yaSpIn, but I get the impression that there really should be only one pIn boss of any category at a time. Perhaps just pIn would work, or you could call them yaS'a'pu' using the augmentive suffix -'a' to indicate their "chief" status.

naDev tlhIHmo' Savoqqu' ▼ You are here because I trust you greatly,

The -mo' is misplaced. It should be naDev tlhIH you all are here Savoqqu'mo' because I really trust you.

'a batlh bajlu'pu'bogh ▼ net leHnISlu'taH ▲ but honor which one has earned one must maintain.

If you want to talk about honor in the abstract, batlh is good. If you have in mind something more specific, quv would be more appropriate.

Using net here is wrong. The head noun (here, batlh) of a relative clause (here, bajlu'pu'bogh) is used as a noun in the larger sentence, and you don't need a pronoun to take its place. Anyway, net stands for an entire sentence, not just a clause, so it's the wrong pronoun even if you wanted to use one. Just say batlh bajlu'pu'bogh leHnISlu'taH and you'll be fine.

vipIH ▼ This I expect of you:

With the object-first order of Klingon sentences, stating things this way is sometimes confusing. Consider putting 'e' vIpIH at the end of the list of expectations, or maybe you could use the exclamation 'eH as an introduction instead.

batlh yaSpu'ra' boDev You will lead your officers with honor

Good.

'ej matlh 'ejDo'vam botoy' and serve this starship loyally,

Again, you can't use a verb as if it were an adverb. Try making it two sentences: 'ejDo'vam botoy' 'ej Sumatlh you all serve this starship and you all are loyal.

'ej chaHvaD 'utchugh SuHeghrup ▲ and your will be prepared to die for them if necessary.

The word order is a little off. chaH they are the beneficiary of Hegh die, not of 'ut be necessary, so chaHvaD should be in the SuHeghrup clause instead of the 'utchugh one. Try simply moving 'utchugh to the end of the sentence.

potlh'a' bIH tIqDu'raj ▼ reH watlhnISqu' ▲ Your hearts are the most important things; they must always be pure!

Very nice.

To my Executive Officer:

vulqan tIreQ ▼ Strek of Vulcan,

Your choice of transliteration is consistently different from what I would suggest. SItreq seems a closer match to Strek than anything else I can think of.

vuSlaw'be' ghoblIj ▲ Your virtue seems to know no limits;

The word order here is backwards. The verb must come at the end of the sentence.

bIval ▼ bISub ▼ bIyuDHa' 'ej ▲ you are intelligent, you are brave, and also you are honest.

These are all verbs. The verb conjunction 'ej and comes between sentences (not at the end of them like the noun conjunction je). You could also get away with not using 'ej at all here, simply putting the sentences one after the other, leaving out the "and" idea entirely.

yaSwI' wa'DIch SoH ▼ You are my First Officer

This is the obvious grammatically correct way to add -wI' my to yaS wa'DIch First Officer, so I won't tell you to change it. But it doesn't "feel" right to me. yaS wa'DIch "feels" like something that shouldn't be split up by putting a suffix on the first word.  I'd avoid the problem completely by saying DujwIj yaS wa'DIch SoH you are my ship's First Officer.

je Hoch beqvaD cha'DIch SoH ▼ and also you are every officer's cha'DIch;

Did you mean beq crew or yaS officer? The adverbial je too, also is exceptional in that it follows the verb. Hoch beq cha'DIch SoH je would mean you are also each crewman's Second.
 
matlhqu' rap ghotoy' ▲ serve us with equally great loyalty!

It looks like you want to use matlh as a noun here. This might be a good excuse for the nominalizer suffix -ghach. Consider jutoy'taHvIS matlhqu'ghachlIj yIrapmoH while you serve us make your loyalty the same. Or keep it simple and try jutoy'taHvIS yImatlhqu' while you serve us be really loyal.

Sengchaj DajeSchugh ▼ If you take part in their problems,

I don't think jeS participate works with an object. I'm not coming up with a good way to rephrase this right now, sorry.
 
je batlhwIj DajeSjaj ▲ may you also take part in my honor.

Same comment about jeS. This is probably the kind of personal honor expressed by the word quv. Again, je also needs to follow the verb.

What do you think of this? lISengchugh Sengmeychaj, DuquvmoHjaj je quvwIj ▲ If their troubles trouble you, may my honor also honor you.

batlh chotoy'chugh ▼ bommeylIj lubomlu'jaj ▼ bommeywIj lubomlu'DI' ▼ If you serve me with honor, then may one sing your songs when one sings mine!

majQa' You obviously understand the language, though you are also obviously unpracticed in it. If you'd like practice, consider subscribing to the Klingon Language Institute's email discussion forum: http://www.kli.org/stuff/subscribe.html

[tesseraktik]

Thank you for your responses!  Oh, and worry not; your level of pleasantness is certainly satisfactory, Qunchuy!  I shall do my best to learn from your corrections; it is true that I lack experience in using Klingon (apart from very simple phrases).  I've signed up for the mailing list, and I shall try to observe more of the discussions that are here.
Oh, and I very much like the wording lISengchugh Sengmeychaj, DuquvmoHjaj je quvwIj ▲; it's somewhat of an alliteration, similar to the sentence that follows it.

As Kesvirit notes, your text, while a noble effort, has many grammatical errors.  I don't have time now to get into them, but I did want to address this point.  The convention of not "conjoining" separate words to make new ones has been adopted as a mark of respect towards Marc Okrand, as recognition that only he can make new words.  His comment that this is how one constructs conjoined words in Klingon should be rightly understood to mean, this is how Marc Okrand combines words in Klingon (or, in the case of HolQeD, officially accepts words that others have coined).  Individual users of Klingon are free to coin new phrases all they want, but we keep the elements of the words separate to acknowledge that they are only our own creations, and not official parts of the language.  So, unless you can get Marc Okrand to sign off on yaSpIn, the more respectful approach is to write it as yaS pIn.

Ah, that is rather a fascinating aspect of the tlhIngan Hol community; thank you for the insight!