Glory to the Empire

[y0da777]

This is my first stab at writing poetry in klingon please comment.

English:

for honor,
for glory,
for valor,
for the kill;
reasons we are klinon-glory to the empire!

klingon:

batlhvaD
vuvvaD
yoHvaD
HoHvaD
tlhIngan maH meqmey-wo' batlhvaD

note:rough translation.
also substituted honor for glory.

Once again, please comment.


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[SoplaHtaHwI']

This is my first stab at writing poetry in klingon please comment.

English:

for honor,
for glory,
for valor,
for the kill;
reasons we are klinon-glory to the empire!

klingon:

batlhmeH

-meH is I think used more as "In order to" than as "for".
the "for" in these snippets would translate to -vaD more than anything else.
so instead of batlhmeH and vuvmeH I would use batlhvaD and vuvvaD

yoHmey
HoHmey

The sudden use of the plural nounsuffix for beings incapable of speech is odd... But maybe it is an artistic license I have not been able to recognise 8-)

tlhIngan Hol meqmey-wo' batlhvaD

Although Klingons speak Klingon (the language), and klingonaase does mean "tool for being Klingon", tlhIngan Hol constitutes just the language.
Again here I am ignoring any artistic license.. 8-)
I would translate this part of the sentence as tlhIngan maHmoH Dochmeyvam = these are the things that make (cause) us (to be) Klingon
since the honor is for the empire, the last part of the sentence would need to be wo'vaD batlh

Although this is the poetry section, I have largely ignored any intentional or unintentional artistic license...
The effort is grand though.


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[y0da777]

Is  that better?


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[Kesvirit]

In the future, when posting a revised version of a poem, please post the newer version at the end of the thread instead of altering the original. That way the rest of us can see the changes between one version and the next. This applies only to the Poetry section. If a particular poem goes through many drafts and attracts a lot of commentary, an Admin. may split the thread into two, one for the different versions of the poem and one for comments.

-=- Kesvirit

[Qunchuy]

I have a general policy of not giving grammatical advice regarding poetry. It has been my experience that poets tend to feel a close connection with each choice of word and turn of phrase in what they create. Suggestions on how to improve the work sometimes prompt the author to respond defensively. In many cases, the concept of "poetic license" stands in contrast to my typical goal of clear, effective communication.

I will, however, comment on the post from SoplaHtaHwI'. Forgive my bluntness, but he gave some very bad advice. Some of the "words" suggested are not grammatical (e.g. *vuvvaD -- vuv is a verb, and -vaD is a noun suffix). He mentioned the oddness of yoHmey, but didn't explain why (again, it's a noun suffix following a verb). The phrase tlhIngan maHmoH Dochmeyvam is seriously weird. Using the causal suffix -moH on a pronoun is something I have never seen done, and I do not believe it works as intended (if indeed it works at all).

His posts are usually of much higher quality. Maybe the early hour at which he wrote this one influenced it.