Perfecting an Authentic Recipe for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster

[Kaga]

Greetings, my fellow warriors! Today I come to ask you to join me in a most glorious undertaking- the concoction of the Galaxy's most intoxicating beverage, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster!

Long have I labored to perfect an authentic recreation of the original recipe. Too many of the so-called "recipes" on the web fail to even remotely resemble the actual drink; obviously we can't make a real Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (Algolian Suntiger teeth are notoriously difficult to come by, and Fallian marsh gas is a controlled substance), but at least our replica can come as close to the real thing as possible!

This link has inspired me in my quest for the perfect PGGB recipe; but I think with a little tweaking it could be almost perfect.

Here's my idea for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Please weigh in on it with your thoughts and help me figure out how to improve on it; as I haven't actually made this yet, I'd appreciate some other eyes taking a look and seeing if there's a fatal flaw somewhere.

Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit. = Going along with the link above, I think Polish Pure Spirit would make a good substitute for the Ol' Janx Spirit. Everclear seems like another logical choice, but to be perfectly honest the drink is dangerous enough without it. Even with the Polish spirit, drinking a whole bottle in one go is a good way to get yourself a bad case of alcohol poisoning- I would get around this by figuring out ahead of time how much Spirit will fill a Collins glass when combined with the other ingredients, and rebottling it in a new, properly sized bottle.

Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V. = The above link has nothing for Santraginean sea water, opting to leave it out because of the difficulty in finding a substitute. Since there's only a single measure of it in the drink, my idea is to mix 1 part genuine or homemade seawater (I found a recipe online: mix 125 parts pickling salt, 38 parts Epsom salt, 3 parts salt substitute, and 1 part baking soda. Stir two and a half teaspoons of this salt mixture into one pint of water, and you'll have artificial seawater) with 1 part Blue Curacao or another blue spirit (I like Hpnotiq). Fill a bottle with this seawater/Blue Curacao mixture, label it "Santraginean Sea Water", and keep it chilled for when you feel like making a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster; then add one measure of it (1.5 oz.) to the Collins glass with that Old Janx Spirit in it.

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost). = This is probably the most difficult part of the drink, at least if you're going for as near to the real thing as you can get in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. Adding three measures of gin just isn't satisfying enough, not to me- it's got to be Mega-gin, and it's got to be frozen into ice cube. Your average gin has an alcohol content of around 40-45%, but there's a gin (the world's strongest commercially available) called Blackwood's Latitude Vintage Gin that's 60% alcohol. That's as close to Mega-gin as you'll find on Earth. And as for freezing it... we'll, here's where things get really complicated. I came up with the idea of using liquid nitrogen to freeze it before you add it to the drink; this is of course strictly optional as I realize most people wouldn't be willing to go through all the hassle of getting a hold of some liquid nitrogen and dipping an ice cube tray of gin in it, not to mention the possible risks involved. But it adds that extra touch, and I think when I'm sipping from my PGGB with it's melting gin cubes, it'll be all worthwhile. (I'm not quite crazy enough to add benzene to the gin before I freeze it, though   ).

Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia). = Simple enough, just bubble four liters of nitrous oxide (laughing gas) through the drink. From what I've heard, carbonating something with nitrous oxide isn't much different from using Co2, and sipping a nitrous oxide infused drink won't cause any of the effects typically associated with laughing gas, though inhaling the vapors deeply might (again though, I haven't experimented with this first hand, though, so follow these instructions at your own risk.) As it's just one drink, and a drink whose very nature entails a person not drinking more than one in a very long period of time, I think that with proper safety precautions it is very doable.

Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qalactin Hypermint extract = Just use some strong peppermint schnapps for this, the 40-70% alcohol German or Austrian stuff, not the 20% kinds. This may take some looking, but it's not that hard to find if you have a good liquor store handy- if worse comes to worse, you can always order some online (assuming you can find some within your state). Try and get a blue variety, such as Avalanche; dye it yourself if you have to.

Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink. = Add a Hairy Lemon effervescent tablet (whitled into the shape of a tooth, if you so desire) and let it dissolve, stirring it in. There are three reasons I chose a Hairy Lemon to drop in- one, drinking a PGGB is "like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick," from which we can infer that the drink tastes (at least vaguely) lemon-y, two, we need SOMETHING that'll dissolve and spread color through the drink, and three, the coloring is perfect (at least in theory): since the PGGB is described as green, turning it yellow with the Hairy Lemon after having added blue schnapps (and light blue seawater, earlier) should make it a little green, if still mostly yellow. Another fan recipe suggested adding a jalopeno, which I like; but the drink needs to taste lemon-y, and I'm at a loss at how else to do it.

Sprinkle Zamphour = This is the one area where I'm completely at a loss. Since Zamphour is obviously an invented ingredient, and no qualities are attributed to it, it is virtually anyone's guess as to what to use for it. Various suggestions I've seen proposed are ground sumac, camphor, cinnamon, or lemon zest. My advice is to use just whatever edible, powdered material you like, and shoot for something that'll enhance the flavor of the drink.

Add an olive. = Add an olive.

Drink . . . but . . . very carefully . . .

And there you have it. Yes, it's vastly complicated, and the nitrous oxide and liquid nitrogen can be difficult and expensive, but the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is the quintessential elaborate drink, and furthermore is described in the books as being the alcoholic equivalent to a mugging; expensive and bad for the head. I'd be interested in hearing any thoughts and suggestions you all might have- hope i gave some of you a few ideas!

[qoSagh]

That recipe for sea water sounds nasty, but then again it is only a small part of the drink.

I have often wondered what the meaning of the phrase "Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit" really means. How does one juice a bottle? And are the Juice and the Spirit the same thing, or is there some refining of the spirit to make juice or vice versa?

As for the cubes of Gin, since there are obviously problems freezing alcohol, how about making cubes of Jello Shots, possibly in Lemon flavor with the Gin, and letting the cold cubes melt/dissolve into the drink. This might also add to the Lemon flavor.

Marsh Gas I would think would be pretty odorous, and not in a pleasant way. Possibly flavored by decomposing plant and animal matter and pretty rich in methane. So how to do this , which still being somewhat palatable to us humans here on earth? I would think perhaps making a strong tea like paste of various grass like herbs would work, Dill Weed comes to mind, perhaps Lemon Grass, Rosemary, or Sage. Letting this paste sit out for a bit to properly blend the flavors and then adding more boiling water to the mix and letting the resulting steam be the marsh gas might work.

One thing that I noticed while writing this reply, is that Gin being an herbal blend, and the tea idea being similar, will all the lemon references, it is perhaps time to also consider another green herbal liquor, Absinthe as a possible source for this fine pan galactic drink. I have been told by the owner of my local liquor store that Absinthe is legal in America once more, so there in might be the answer (other than 42, of course).

[K'Voth]

Well that recipe certainly sounds like it would live up to the pan galactic gargle blasters habit (Accourding to the 70's tv version) of having the same feeling as having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon.