A very nice effort. I understood it all.
lugh 'e' vItul.
I'm going to take that as my license to nitpick!
If you don't want my critique, stop reading now!!!
puqbe'Daj rI' vav.
maj. "Fine."
"nuqneH?"
I am glad to see that you have given this line to the person
spoken to, and not the initiator of the conversation.
"puqbe'wI', vavlI' jIH. ghogh HablI' Sum SoS?"
Sum is an adjective verb and doesn't take an object. You also need to make it a question. Change it to
ghogh HablI'Daq Sum'a' SoS?"ghobe'. QongDaq pa'Daq SoSwI' tennuS *Paul* je"
I seem to recall some canon that "bedroom" is
QongmeH pa'. You're also missing a verb. I'd rephrase this as
QongmeH pa'Daq SoSwI' tennuS *Paul* je lutu'lu'.yev ngaj. ghIq, jatlh vav: "'ach puqbe'wI', tennuS *Paul* Daghajbe'."
yev is a verb, so it can't take an adjective. You could use
loQ yev (vav) (you could add "father" here and omit it in the next sentence).
"vIghaj, 'ej QongDaqDaq ghaH SoSwI' je"
You need a verb between "bed" and the subjects. I'd suggest
Qot "to lie, recline", add I add
-taH to show that they're currently doing it (lying down, I mean
).
yev ngaj.
Again
loQ yev"SoSlI' Dajatlh <naDev vavwI'> 'e' vIneH."
jatlh never takes an object, also,
neH doesn't use
'e', so I'd suggest reworking this, for example:
SoSlI' DarI' vIneH. yIjatlh: <naDev vavwI'>.
"lu', vavwI', yIloS."
ghogh HablI' chegh be'Hom.
"vavwI', vIjatlhta'."
maj.
"'ej qaS'a' nuq?"
This says to me "What's going on?". If you want to ask about what happened when the daughter spoke, I'd add the completion suffix
-pu, also you don't need the add
-'a' when the question contains a question word:
'ej qaSpu' nuq?"SoSwI' ghIj, Sut Hutlh, QongDaqvo' Sup 'ej jachbogh qet. ghIq pum 'ej DaH vIHbe'!"
The first phrase, to me, is missing a subject. I feel like I don't know who or what scared her. I assume you're saying "it scared her", but I can't immediately figure out what "it" is. How about
SoSwI' ghIj SoQwIj?
Sut Hutlh is a description of the mother, not of her actions, and seems out of place here. Maybe just move it to the beginning of the line.
jachbogh qet doesn't work because there's no noun to tie
jachbogh to (and you can't use it by itself to mean "one who is screaming". I'd suggest
jachtaHvIS qet.
"'ej tennuSlI' *Paul*?"
Basically fine. This might be a good place to use the noun suffix
-qoq for
tennuSqoqlI' for "your 'uncle' ".
"Sut je Hutlh,
I am not positive, but I think the
je comes after the verb in this case, otherwise it means he's lacking clothes as well as other things.
QongDaqvo' teq'egh.
I've never seen
teq used this way. I'd be more comfortable with a verb like
nargh "to escape"
Qorwaghvo' Sup 'ej bIQ 'Ib'a'Daq.
This says that he jumped away from the window. I'd rephrase and use the verb
vegh "to pass through an opening":
Sup 'ej Qorwagh vegh. You're missing a verb in the last phrase.
bIQ Dateq 'e' Sovbe'. bIS'ub mup ghaH 'ej Hegh 'e' vIHar."
I think that
teq refers more to removing parts of things from the whole. I'd suggest
tebHa' "to un-fill" instead (it isn't in the dictionary. I made it from
teb "to fill" and
-Ha' "undo").
yev nI'.
Maybe
yevqu' vav instead.
ghIq jatlh vav, "'Ib'a'? loSchorghjav vaghSochwejwa' 'oH'a'?"
I couldn't immediately understand the last few phrases as a phone number. How about
loS-chorgh-jav-vagh-Soch-wej-wa' 'oH'a' HablI'vam Quv'e'nuq SuQub?
majQa'.
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