What WON'T a Klingon eat?

[Kesvirit]

I'm trying to overhaul a fic in which a (TOS era) Klingon hostage is having lunch with a (Human) Starfleet crewmember. The Klingon is so disgusted by the Human's choice of foods that paying attention to the already-stilted conversation becomes even more difficult.

I visited K'Tesh's Klingon Recipe Pages sniffing for clues. While the aromas indicated all sorts of (neotrek) Klingon favorites both gourmet and mundane, I was unable to deduce from exclusion what a Klingon would find particularly unappealing, or what foods their physiologies may not be able to conquer.

TFR mentions that Klingons prefer the freshest food possible under the circumstances; ROE* notes that Klingon prefer their food and drink lukewarm.
Can anyone remember any examples of general Klingon dietary patterns ("still twitching" has already been suggested :rolleyes: ), perhaps from novels or fanfic? What besides a well-placed and -handled blade would turn your average Klingon's stomach?  

 - Kesvirit

* Rules of Engagement (novel)

[Kherkh]

They will not eat cooked meat (what they call burnt) unless they were perhaps starving. They do heavily spice their foods.

This is a just a guess on my part but I'd think they would eat weak pathetic creatures. And would eat sentient creatures. (So Ferengi double luck out)

[Klythe]

They will not eat cooked meat (what they call burnt) unless they were perhaps starving.

    I don't think it is that strong of a revulsion to cooked meat.  After all they were able to talk Kurn into eating the replicated cooked avian meat.   They were straining credibility to imply that Kurn was unfamiliar with replictors and cooking food.  Since Kurn was already lying about his identity and his purpose, he also could be playing with the Terrans to give them a false understanding.  To continue the Federation's image of us as mindless barbarians.  There are in fact canonical Klingon dishes that are cooked with heat.   For one thing, karada legs are boiled.

They do heavily spice their foods.

     This is a good point.   Klingons do not appear to enjoy bland food.

    Based on my experience as an eater there are only X categories that affect appetite or taste where the eater is hungry, healthy and unwounded.

1) Smell -  If food smells wrong, the eater will not want to eat it.  Klingons do not mind the smell of death and decay as terrans do, but may be revulsed by things they are not used to smelling, chemical preservatives or poorly programmed dishes.

2) Temperature -  Some dishes are best served cold, others are best warm or hot.

3) Texture - Humans tend to not like things that are stingy or gamey.  As avid hunters, Klingons probably do not mind these textures, but other textures such as things that 'melt in your mouth' may be disconcerting.

4) Taste -  Klingons perfer pungent, brackish and other strong tastes that  distrub humans.   Sweet tastes are said to not be as enjoyable.

5) Color -  If you've experieced eating a food before, you expect a similar experience when you have the same food again.   Blue 'orange' juice can cause some people to shy away.

6) Sound - Someone slurping thier soup next to them has been known to put sophisticated socialites off of their Nouvelle Cuisine.   As eager eaters, there are few dining noises that would put a Klingon off...  But there could be a few that do...


    Consulting with my favourite fictional carnivore about human dining practices, she says one has to be careful about using recipes from a species that can thrive on okra and marshmallow peanuts.   Using the above criteria as a guide, I would agree with her.  Marshmallows are soft, white, flavourless, sugar without any resistance to your bite, but instead becomes sticky in the mouth.   I can think of no more disgusting terran 'food'.

This is a just a guess on my part but I'd think they would eat weak pathetic creatures.

     I agree with you here.  I have preivously argued in the targ thread, that although domesticated targh is generally shunned as being less tasty than wild targh, there are still those that would eat it.

And would eat sentient creatures. (So Ferengi double luck out)

     Here I must disagree.   There is no canon evidence either way.  But it The Final Reflection Krenn's Science Officer makes a point of double checking the food stores to see that xentaur haunches were not served to thier terran guest, because they are considered sentient in the Federation, but not in the Klingon Empire.   Klingons continued to eat xentaur haunches because they do not consider them sentient, not because they eat sentients.   I'm a big fan of the rule "Food that talks is not food".
 

[qoSagh]

I must weigh in on the fact that I don't think a Klingon would eat anything that talks. In many of the writings we developed over the years for the qaptaQ, we mention the great law that No Klingon shall eat the flesh or drink the blood of a being capable of using language. While this is a fandom creation the source is the Klingon Dictionary. Remember the -pu / -mey debate? If Klingons thought enough to differentiate between talking and non talking, there must be a reason. This is a way of seperating people from animals, and I would think one of the basic reasons for that is food identification. What starts are a canabalism prevention measure extends to other races when interstellar travel becomes a reality.

[Klythe]

    I know I remember the -pu' vs -mey debate.   Hehe.   Well, not so much a debate as a Socratic convergence...   

    With this deep of a grammarical classification, it's entirely possible that there isn't a rule at all.  It just is not done, every one knows it is just unthinkable...  You just don't go eatting language users!  You eat animals, not people...

   On the other end though, there is talk of 'tasting your oppent's heart'.   I hope this is purely a metaphorical expression...

[KMel_K'Tarra]

Well for me I can not stand some form of vegitation that these terrans grow from the ground.....like them little green balls that smell of rotten boot socks...I think they call them brussle sprouts... I think that they even could be eggs of aliens or something like that....
I will never eat liver and onions.....the smell and the way it is just kinda lays there on the plate and don't do a g'day't thing at all outside of making me want to barf....
I could not a baby cow or lamb....I agree with the Southpark kids....save the veal....
Anything I can not identify positivily....

[KAllen]

About the "not eating cooked foods" deal.  What about when Tok brought the animal that he and Worf killed.  He was told to get rid of it, and he said something like "I will, after it's cooked".

That may be from the fact he was basically raised in a Rommie prison camp, and Rommies eat cooked food.  But, the other Klingons, if Klingons truely don't eat cooked food, wouldn't have.  Also, the Pipius Claw that Riker ate before going to the Pagh, it looked fried to me.

[Abbot Nej vIt]

I am Not Sure that it has Ever Been Established that ALL Klingon Foods are to be Eaten (Or Even Should be Eaten) in their Raw Form... At the Very Least Food tends to Store Better if it is Cooked First, especially in Warm Climates, so in terms of Resource Management (Something Klingons Excell at...<Chuckle>...), it Would make Sense that Some Foods Would be Cooked...

Then perhaps it is a Cultural Joke as it were Not Unlike Humans Who Claim that A Particularly Tough or Even Foolish Person Would Eat Raw Meat out of Preference...?

[KAllen]

Cow is best when served hot pink on the inside and still bloody!!!

[Kesvirit]

quoth Klythe: Sweet tastes are said to not be as enjoyable.

Said by whom? On what do they base this conclusion?

quoth KMelK: Well for me I can not stand some form of vegitation that these terrans grow from the ground.....like them little green balls that smell of rotten boot socks...I think they call them brussle sprouts... I think that they even could be eggs of aliens or something like that....

*laughs* This Klingon cannot stomach mushrooms. Fungus is something that is grown properly for the lab or improperly in between the toes in the company of Brussels sprouts. The thought of excavating filthy feet and placing the results on a platter for the table makes my livers twitch and my stonach churn in protest.

Anything I can not identify positivily....

A very wise move. The one has a strong sense of self-preservation. My lady mother is an adventurous gourmond and never met a meat she didn’t like, which made childhood dinners into the kind of adventure I could have done without. Early on I learned to request a fowl dish -- that way I was sure there would always *something* edible amongst the foul dishes.  “When in doubt, order the chicken.”

[M_Sogha_KDar]

Sounds as though some of my fellow Warriors blood have turned to water as to where, " Brussel Sprouts are concerned, I for one would eat them with gusto, as long as they are prepared well and seasoned with a sause."

As for Liver, If it is seasoned and cooked Well Done it's edible if not tasty, and as for blue Orange Juice, looks green to me.

If you read " Star Trek, Klingons! " you see a Birthday Party in progress, and Roast Targh or Targ is cooking there, in which slabs of meat are being sliced off for the guests and family of one being Honored.

And Remember, the Klingon Dictionary has a word for  " Chocolate " which is Yuch.
 
  Imperial Marine captain. (Lt equiv) K' Dar tai-Veska


I have one more thing to add, A Klingon Warrior would NEVER, EVER, EVER eat a Tribble, cooked or not, ewwwwwwww.

Sogh'a' K' Dar tai-Veska

[Kehlan]

I read somewhere, and I wish I could remember where, that Klingons do eat Tribbles.  If I ever find the source, I will let you know.
I have to say, I'm not convinced by the concept but those furry little ----(struggles to find a rude word that is polite enough to post) have to be good for something.

Kehlan

[SoplaHtaHwI']

Sounds as though some of my fellow Warriors blood have turned to water as to where, " Brussel Sprouts are concerned, I for one would eat them with gusto, as long as they are prepared well and seasoned with a sause."

As for Liver, If it is seasoned and cooked Well Done it's edible if not tasty, and as for blue Orange Juice, looks green to me.

If you read " Star Trek, Klingons! " you see a Birthday Party in progress, and Roast Targh or Targ is cooking there, in which slabs of meat are being sliced off for the guests and family of one being Honored.

And Remember, the Klingon Dictionary has a word for  " Chocolate " which is Yuch.
 
  Imperial Marine captain. (Lt equiv) K' Dar tai-Veska


I have one more thing to add, A Klingon Warrior would NEVER, EVER, EVER eat a Tribble, cooked or not, ewwwwwwww.

Sogh'a' K' Dar tai-Veska

I'd eat anything. If it's meant for consumption and prepared well, I'll at least have a bite. nay to nibbles.
Tribbles however just have to adhere to the rules outlined above.

I have earned this nick, trust me...

[HoS'etlh]

I read somewhere, and I wish I could remember where, that Klingons do eat Tribbles.

What do you think McDonald's McNuggets are made out of... 

[Klythe]

quoth Klythe: Sweet tastes are said to not be as enjoyable.

Said by whom? On what do they base this conclusion?

    Okrand if I remember.  In particular he notes that the Klingons don't bother with a word for sweetness, instead describing it as having a taste that "Resembles a nan fruit", which is said to be orange in color,  like a nornge

[melmaqngan]

I cannot imagine a Klingon anything sweet, pink and with sprinkles, like doughnuts . . . Think Weenie Hut, Jr's.

[Ky'lath]

THe food at any typical school calfiteria.
Let me see
Oh, school custard one lump or two?
Maybe stale sushi or slightly burnt, but somehow still soggy french fires.


 

[Ktaar]

^ I second that. What was worse about my school's cafeteria food...was the disgusting state in which the kitchen was kept. And the hot dogs...they were in GREEN water!!! GREEN!! A Klingon wouldn't dare eat that...would they? Floppy hot dogs sitting in green water. A Klingon would rather eat road kill that's gone rotten than that trash.

[Kesvirit]

The filth issue aside (cooks who cannot run a clean kitchen should be flogged), you are being too harsh on alien cooks by ascribing to them motives they may not have. Their best intentions to serve Klingons fresh, marinated food may have failed in the worst way by letting raw meat waste marinate in a mold sauce. After all, many Humans consider fungi a delicacy.

Even if the cooks fail miserably in their attempt to serve tasty and nutritious foods, consider it a form of pain ritual that will build stamina and character, and prepare you for a life of Marine rations if that is the path your life takes.

As for roadkill, most Klingons tend to prefer their food as fresh as possible, and you can’t get a much fresher kill than by striking prey with a ground vehicle.* 

-=- Kesvirit


* Note to Terrans and their ilk: in many jurisdictions, this kind of “road hunting” is illegal, immoral, and dishonorable. By rupturing organs whose chemicals are likely to spoil or poison the meat which when consumed, doing so may kill if you are not very skilled in butchery and food preparation and it serves you right.  }}>: E   A very shameful and foolish way to die.

[Ky'lath]

I /was/ in cadets (I aged out) and they served better foods than K'taar describes.
And that still does not address the issue of STALE sushi... that is one food that should not be served stale EVER
I'm a big fan of raw fish both sushi and sashimi... fresh. Raw fish... *licks lips*
The rice (I have heard) was dry....
*shudders*
Sushi should only be eaten fresh.
As for food a Klingon would not touch
one word
McDonalds

[K'Voth]

I would definatly agree with the do not eat anything that can hold a conversation suggestion. It also says in A burning house (I think) that Klingons find the idea of Vegitarian food revolting and (I can't remeber where this came from) That cutlery is seen as unnessesary for kilingon food.  For myself i tend to avoid what can only be described as "Cupboard surprise" which involves one new ingredient added to what ever has been in the cupboard or frdige for long enough to be getting towards being thrown out. Trully revolting on an epic scale.

[Kehlan]

Klingons can't considered vegetarian food THAT revolting, according to A Burning House there is a Vulcan restaurant on Qo'noS after all and salad is also mentioned.

[K'Voth]

It is true that not all Klingons would find it an unpleasant idea, but it has been a while since i have read the book. The line that got the idea stuck in my head was from Kurak "No. Nor have i ever dove naked into a vat or hungry taknar. Neither is an experience I am eager to undertake". Also apon thinking about it there are afew dishes that have veg in it otherwise the empire wouldn't have such extensive farming requirments. SO i guess my reference to them finding veg nasty was possibly an over generalisation. Sorry.

(On a personal note. This particular Klingon is actually mostly vegitarian save for vary small amounts of chicken for medical reasons)

[Ky'lath]

Well on the topic of food that cannot be stomached
This Klingon will not touch the following
Mashed Potatos
Scrambled eggs
Anything too spicy (yeow!)
Onions (YUCK!)
Any peppers but green ones (the other ones are too sweet)
Blue cheese
Anything that smells like unwashed feet
Anything with icky sauce on it
White fish (mainly sole)
Veal (not because it is gross, but I have issues with food that has been tortured)
Anything from order carnivoria (though I may try bear one day, but dog or cat is off limits for this Klingon)
On that note, any domestic equine is also a big no-no (I ride, what do you expect? I would never eat a horse)
Any of that "super healthy" food my father is always cooking
Ratitiou (or however you spell it) MAJOR YUCK!
Most salads, when I eat veggies they are not mixed up together
Red pasta sauce
Hot peppers
(That's just a small list)

[Kehlan]

I suspect it has a lot to do with the way veg are cooked.  Somehow I doubt that a Klingon would find a plate of overboiled, mushy, brussel sprouts at all appetising.  I was re-reading 'Kahless' the other day and there is a scene where he goes into a dining hall and ordered Heart of Targ.  He says "Bring it to me Bloody" and the maid answers "is there any other way?"  From a Klingon viewpoint many Terran dishes must seem way overcooked especially meat but... at least vegetables are meant to be cooked!

K'voth is right about Kurak's reaction but she did give in and try it. I  can only assume the fact that the restaurant has survived means that other Klingons have not only done the same but have actually liked the food.  Of course it could be there for the tourists but not sure that would be enough to keep it going.